Friday, December 21, 2012

This Time of Year...

Normally, the holidays are supposed to he a happy time. However, that is not the case for everybody. Stress is one factor; but for me, I am silently feeling the pull of inner demons about family and it can be a burden. It has always affected me during the holiday season; even though I am aware, it tends to grab me. I am doing my best to embrace all that is good and not let the past do anything but teach me.  Still, behind my smile there is also history; pain & experience. On the sunny side; my heart is truly happy & very grateful.  I know that my path may not be the easiest, but it shaped me into who I am today.
I still do my best to leave the past there, but some days can be harder than others. I'm grateful for my lessons & experiences; they have shaped me into the person I am today. 
Hope everybody has a wonderful holiday season and be safe.  Much love to you all.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

The New Normal... My thoughts on Sandy...

Well, it has been more than a few weeks now & memories of the event still haunt me. I push through each day with a determination not to fall apart. I do my best to be strong. But instead of getting a little easier each day; it seems to be getting more difficult. It may also be going in and out of shock; about what we have been through.  I know it will get easier; just a period of adjustment.
That all being said; I am still grateful for being alive and healthy. for being able to express my feelings. and for having such amazing friends in our lives; fully surrounding us with love and rallying for us.

Monday, December 3, 2012


As I watched the slow coming of the dawn; I was quietly contemplating & taking inventory of my life. yesterday, my mother passed away & not that it came as a shock; but the fact that I'm in shock. She was in a special facility that dealt with dementia & other age-related problems. I truly believe she gave up & no longer wanted to live; in a way that was far from who she was. my father is so fragile now; even though I am in mourning, he lost his best friend & is beyond upset. I lost my mother & that's where I'm in shock. hard to be exactly prepared for that kind of news; no matter what. love and loss are an everyday part of life. it touches each one of us & we are affected in different ways...
from now on, when I look at the sunrise; I will wonder if my mother is looking at me through the sunshine.

What Still Remains...

What still remains is what has always been there; love. it does not require a physical presence; only the true feeling in one's own heart. love survives any event, era, tragedy & history. what's in our hearts is made from a material that can not be destroyed, bought or sold. no matter where a person in our lives my reside; even after they are in human form, we will love them for all time. love is truth & love is the greatest gift one can give.

What Does It Mean...

What does it mean... when we lose somebody who we can not replace; when even the memories are irreplaceable? then that person has a permanent place in our hearts. at first, I admit; it's hard to understand. but I'm not afraid to explore my feelings as I learn about this new kind of grieving. a lifetime is not measured in years; no, but in what we fill those years with. with who we give our precious time to and to who we truly love. in life, we will come across all kinds of people. family - that's a different type. true, family is who surround ourselves with.  classically; it is our parents, grandparents, brothers & sisters, cousins, etc. well, losing a parent is something I'm now learning to both understand & deal with. no, I'm clearly not alone in experiencing this at all; still it is new to me. I'm learning with each minute, hour and day. here I sit; 36,000 miles above in an airplane: heading to Florida for my Mom's funeral. so, it is natural for me to open up about how I feel. I know it's 100% real in every way. really hard to swallow... really hard. I'm going to continue breathing in and out.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Unresolved Issues Are No Excuse

When I have seen a pattern of my behavior that is no OK; it is time I stopped what I was doing and look at what I have done. I have have my share of the average ups and downs this year; combined with some rather exaggerated ones. Still learning to be aware of triggers, I don't always fare so well. In fact; I feel as if there are certain deep-seated anger issues or even emotionally painful ones. They are not new; they have been hiding inside me for years. Before I could even dare to address a single one. I do my best each day to live fully and not hurt anybody. This morning, I was thinking as if I had anger management issues. Seriously; as I do have a temper sometimes. It has gotten a lot better, but seems to be getting a little worse again. I know better than to let anything occupy space in my head for free; however, I still have trouble identifying some of it. In fact, when I start to come unglued, it's more like I become a 3-year old; without a nap & not getting their way. Sounds lovely, right? Of course not and it is also hurtful to others; unacceptable and not how or who I want to be.

I have learned not to blame anything, anyone or make anything an excuse for behaving badly. I need to own that straight up. That's always a good first step to progress; although it needs to be followed by more work and I am willing to improve myself by doing it. I am truly sorry if I have hurt anybody; for it is not a malicious act, but I am still admitting my wrongs. Now, as the weekend approaches (yay!); I have another chance to live the right way and to spread light, not act like, well, an asshole. That being said; I'm grateful for whoever is reading this and I am in the moment today. Thank you.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Sometimes, I Get a Little Stuck.

As somebody who does his best (at least in my mind) to live in the right frame of mind; I still tend to get stuck sometimes.  I am feeling very much like that now.  It's as if I was working on a project and just kind of stopped.  Or was in the middle of painting a wall, say; then all of the sudden I had put down the paintbrush.  Even though I love to share positive, inspirational and humorous quotes; I really do try and follow the best direction; long as that is the direction I plan on going in.  Remember; the road less traveled will always be just that. So, I just needed to turn that over; accept it and let go.  Next thing I need to do is let go and get going.  Thank you for letting me share this with you.

The Voice of Action and Inaction

Actions speak louder than words.  Inaction also has a voice of its own and one nobody wants to hear.  Fear drives much of the inactivity in my world.  That, combined with being a little too complacent.  Now that I've qualified this; my next step is too stop being inactive and start being active.  I learned that the hardest part of any journey in life, is taking the first step.  Yes, it can be daunting, but the reward is that I've done something.  It does not mean by doing one thing; that it solves the problem.  It simply means making a little progress and that is all we need to keep us moving forward.  
My goal for today and everyday; is to replace complacency and inactivity with being active and making some kind of progress .

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Things Do Not Always Go According To Plan

The last 2 months have been a bit of a roller-coaster; to say the least.  Wonderful things have been happening, but also a lot of craziness; plus stress levels have been elevated.  It all seems to germinate from not being able to, or follow a plan.  Yes, plans are made to keep things running smoothly; however, there are a number of unexpected things that crop up.  
We sold the house that both my girlfriend and her daughter lived in for the last 17 years.  Then, we moved to a wonderful, new apartment on the water.  Moving in a very stressful ordeal, even for the calmest individual.  For me, it turns my whole world upside-down & I need to re-start again.  Having ADD; once a system is in place that works, I stick to it.  Now, there is a whole new system and I am still adapting to it.
I actually have struggled with following plans my entire life and it is not done deliberately.  It is always my best intentions that I start with.  If I allow even a simple change, it can throw everything else off for me.  I work on this each day and know that it is progress, not perfection.  I want following plans to be something I am able to do and continue to work on it.  
This does not only affect me, but my whole family.  I know how stressful not following the plan can be for the people involved.  
Still, there has been progress made and as I continue to work on things, it will be a little easier each time.  

Monday, July 2, 2012

Knowing It Is Not Your Fault

One of the greatest lessons I have learned in the last 10 years; has been how to know when something is not done by hands & not my fault at all.  Many people like to play the 'blame game".  My family was not different.  I had to unlearn many things from when I grew up; especially when it came to owning something I did wrong.  With that, is the realization that unless a person has actually done something wrong; transgression or not, against another person - they are not at fault in any way. Just to be very clear:  if another person tries to hurt or do anything damaging to another person, they are dead-wrong; so this is not a "get out of jail free" card or anything like that. Dealing with this has been a real eye-opener & it also allowed me to gain awareness in so many ways. It also allows us to share that with others; removing that false guilt from them & letting them know they are not at fault.  Sure, it is very hard to convey this to anybody; it was to me in the beginning.  Then, as a person slowly learns, by looking at their past & family of origin; it begins to become clearer.  Same thing for me; took a little while and then I was like "oh, wow".  
This also ties very closely to being gentle on one's self and knowing there is nothing wrong with stumbling in life. Just wanted to share this with you today.  Thanks!

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

When I Have Not Been The Best Me I Can Be...

There have been many times when I have not been the best version of myself.  Even though I share so much about kindness and treating ourselves right; I forget to do the same for me sometimes.  This leads to behavior that is ugly; not treating the people I love & myself right.  It took a lot of hints and talks this month, to realize that was exactly the way I had been behaving.  At first, I apologize, but that is only a band-aid.  The real work is to make amends for acting like - an asshole - for lack of a better way to put it.  I am sharing this with you; anyone who reads this, but that is the easy part.
I have wonderful people in my life that I love.  If I mistreat them or act unkind, it is also like punching myself in the eye.  So, I am setting the controls for the sun and taking this task on.  I am so grateful for the people who I have, in my life; they have stood by me and I am so blessed for them.  I will make every effort to treat them with love & kindness, just as they treat me me with.  I just needed to admit this shitty behavior, turn it over & let it go.  Now, I will return to my regularly scheduled David!!  
Thanks for reading...

Friday, June 22, 2012

Things Do Go Wrong... So Move Forward.

Nobody ever said that life was perfect or that it would be easy.  Not at all.  Still, that does not mean that if something goes wrong or gets screwed up; that it's the end all be all.  In fact, some of the best results have come from failures and that's also the best way to learn.  I have learned this over many, many years of my life and it is so very true.  It also means to take time, in order to accomplish the things we want to.  Again, nothing is going to happen overnight.  It will always require hard work to achieve something.
When somebody makes a mistake, there is always a lesson to be learned.  I am grateful for those lessons, as they have taught me so much.  Sometimes, they might be painful at first, but the knowledge paves the way for brighter days.  Take it easy, breathe & go slowly.  

Monday, June 18, 2012

...Take Your Time

We all have dreams and there is much hard work required to fulfill them.  It is OK to stop and look around once in a while.  Progress means that we are making efforts to get somewhere; not that we need to rush there. In fact, it is really good to take time, breathe and also take a giant step back from everything.  Look at things from another perspective and be able to see more than you were able to before.  This helps a lot, in the ability to see how far one has come; versus how far they have to go.  
Nobody has the right to judge us; although many will try.  People tend to let their failures not only define them, but cause them to try and bring others down as well.  Talk about toxic... Still, one needs to remain focused, not obsessed or engulfed in; just focused on the goal.  It is so easy for a person to beat themselves up about making progress or getting to a certain "point"; where they might feel as if they have reached some milestone.  Funny thing is - we are only in competition with ourselves, for it is the only thing we can truly measure and not compare.  Stick to your guns; do not let anybody steal your dreams, just because they are not brave enough to try themselves.  Let the naysayers go on; critics are the ones who lack the ability to do it themselves, so they should not prevent others.  
Most important: never, ever give up.  The end result; no matter how far it may seem, will be worth everything drop we put into it.  It will not be easy; there will be pain, stress, fear; all of that is temporary.  Working hard to achieve what we want; whether in a home, relationship or career, requires a lot of work.  There is no sitting back and "hoping" things will work out.  Do not be afraid to take baby steps; it is far better than doing nothing at all.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

(ツ)there is always time for kindness...♡

Plato said it best: "always be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle."  It has been a long transition for me; in the last 2 years.  I have also been able to grow and learn from everything.  With that comes a lot of knowledge.  Knowledge about the way I think,live, love and the person I strive to be.  One of the greatest assets in this process, is kindness. Towards everyone and especially towards myself.  I have learned not to judge anybody, ever; for I know not what they have endured or are enduring.  No person has the right to judge anyone; unless they have walked the same path - exactly the same path - as that person. This allows for kindness through mutual understanding and even helps with conflict resolution.  Still, even I need to be reminded sometimes & I am grateful, because it means that I am still learning.  There is always time for kindness, as this post is titled; we can give a smile or even hold the door for somebody & it is as simple as that.  Even in the the rushed, harried world; not unlike stopping to smell the roses, there is always time for kindness.
Remember that next time you have the opportunity to be kind.  I t can change some body's day - especially yours!!  It gives back and you will see that you don't look for the rewards, but you feel them automatically.  It dramatically improves life, being kind, it creates wonderful things.  Be kind, there is always time for it and there is always time to be kind to ourselves, too.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Good To Reflect

Today felt like a day that would serve me well to reflect a little.  Thinking about life, where I am, where I would like to be and everything in between.  Being in a committed relationship, for example; means it does not just affect me.  That goes without saying.  
I start by reminding myself how fortunate I am and just simply being grateful.  Then, I look at how full my life is & that I share it with my best friend.  I tend to even pull positive experiences from the negative; as to keep focus on the good.  Even though it might sound a bit cliche,  I do look for the positive; whether it is a lesson, or anything else that can be used in a positive way.   
In thinking about where I am right now in my life, I am in a good place.  I am making progress and continuing to grow every single day.  I am grateful for all of the lessons in my life so far; especially within the last 2-3 years.  Even if a day starts out bad, I have been practicing turn those days around and making them good days.  After everything is said and done; every day above ground is a good day! I will check in again really soon!

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Making Progress...

One thing that comes to mind when changing things about ourselves: progress.  You see, it's progress the reminds where we started; and it's progress that also shows us just how far we've come.
This is, in no way "patting oneself on the back"; but acknowledging the distance covered from the starting point, until the present day.  It's a way to look at what we started with and what we have now; not measured by material things, but by actually looking at our progress.  It's a great way to find new hope and overcome frustration.  It's also shedding light on solutions and not the problems.  

Wednesday, January 25, 2012


Checking in for 2012 & Hoping everybody has had a wonderful New Year so far.
Recently, I have been learning to have better awareness about what is a priority and what is not.  That may sound strange to some, but they don't live in my world.  By that, I mean living with an attention deficit makes it increasingly challenging for me to prioritize.  I use lists & phones & calendars.  It helps, but I still need to put the lists in order & not necessarily an "OCD" way; just so I can know what is most important.  This is something I have just begun to work on.  This was sparked by my recent distractions; especially when I have things that are more important, can wait to be addressed & especially giving my attention to my significant other.  Now, I have made a lot of progress in the last few years, but I am still learning; as I always say.
There is certainly nothing wrong with waiting to answer certain emails, tweets, Facebook; what have you.  That was a work issue (emails) that I learned to stop:  answering right away, when it was not necessary.  I need to apply that on all levels & I think that will help a lot.  Each day, I do a little more towards correcting these things & also living a better life.