Friday, December 21, 2012

This Time of Year...

Normally, the holidays are supposed to he a happy time. However, that is not the case for everybody. Stress is one factor; but for me, I am silently feeling the pull of inner demons about family and it can be a burden. It has always affected me during the holiday season; even though I am aware, it tends to grab me. I am doing my best to embrace all that is good and not let the past do anything but teach me.  Still, behind my smile there is also history; pain & experience. On the sunny side; my heart is truly happy & very grateful.  I know that my path may not be the easiest, but it shaped me into who I am today.
I still do my best to leave the past there, but some days can be harder than others. I'm grateful for my lessons & experiences; they have shaped me into the person I am today. 
Hope everybody has a wonderful holiday season and be safe.  Much love to you all.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

The New Normal... My thoughts on Sandy...

Well, it has been more than a few weeks now & memories of the event still haunt me. I push through each day with a determination not to fall apart. I do my best to be strong. But instead of getting a little easier each day; it seems to be getting more difficult. It may also be going in and out of shock; about what we have been through.  I know it will get easier; just a period of adjustment.
That all being said; I am still grateful for being alive and healthy. for being able to express my feelings. and for having such amazing friends in our lives; fully surrounding us with love and rallying for us.

Monday, December 3, 2012


As I watched the slow coming of the dawn; I was quietly contemplating & taking inventory of my life. yesterday, my mother passed away & not that it came as a shock; but the fact that I'm in shock. She was in a special facility that dealt with dementia & other age-related problems. I truly believe she gave up & no longer wanted to live; in a way that was far from who she was. my father is so fragile now; even though I am in mourning, he lost his best friend & is beyond upset. I lost my mother & that's where I'm in shock. hard to be exactly prepared for that kind of news; no matter what. love and loss are an everyday part of life. it touches each one of us & we are affected in different ways...
from now on, when I look at the sunrise; I will wonder if my mother is looking at me through the sunshine.

What Still Remains...

What still remains is what has always been there; love. it does not require a physical presence; only the true feeling in one's own heart. love survives any event, era, tragedy & history. what's in our hearts is made from a material that can not be destroyed, bought or sold. no matter where a person in our lives my reside; even after they are in human form, we will love them for all time. love is truth & love is the greatest gift one can give.

What Does It Mean...

What does it mean... when we lose somebody who we can not replace; when even the memories are irreplaceable? then that person has a permanent place in our hearts. at first, I admit; it's hard to understand. but I'm not afraid to explore my feelings as I learn about this new kind of grieving. a lifetime is not measured in years; no, but in what we fill those years with. with who we give our precious time to and to who we truly love. in life, we will come across all kinds of people. family - that's a different type. true, family is who surround ourselves with.  classically; it is our parents, grandparents, brothers & sisters, cousins, etc. well, losing a parent is something I'm now learning to both understand & deal with. no, I'm clearly not alone in experiencing this at all; still it is new to me. I'm learning with each minute, hour and day. here I sit; 36,000 miles above in an airplane: heading to Florida for my Mom's funeral. so, it is natural for me to open up about how I feel. I know it's 100% real in every way. really hard to swallow... really hard. I'm going to continue breathing in and out.